Beefcake The Mighty - GWAR

Which one are you?

Beefcake. The handsome one.

This is your 20 year anniversary.

20 years. Can you believe it?

What kept you guys doing this for 20 years?

Money. No actually, the quest to kill all that is righteous on this planet. Money, fame, fortune, pieces of clay. G.I. Joe action/adventure sets. Many things. Girls, boredom? What was the question? I don't know. Money I guess. Money.

You don't kill the girls do you?

In a way. We'll kill them. We'll kill them.

Why haven't you killed all of the politicians yet? The world would appreciate that.

It seems like how many presidents have we killed. Every time we kill a president, they grow a new one. Every time. Every time a president gets killed another one pops up. It's like so many dandelions that I've noticed. Cut the head off and two or three more grow back. That's really true. Like little apples going after little parachuters. I like that. My soft moments are like that.

And your soft moments are one of the earthly things that you like. You don’t have those on your planet.

Speaking of soft sides, is that toilet paper?

Yes, I believe it is. The world would really appreciate it if you guys got rid of all the politicians.

Didn’t you already ask me that? Get on with it! Our time is money. Well, actually it’s not. I spend my time sitting up in a dumpster not doing a thing.

How has the tour been going?

The tour has been splendid. It’s been, how long is it? One or it’s too long. It’s always too long. My favorite show of the tour? The last one. Then I get to go home. My Antarctican slumber. My favorite song of the night? The last one. My least favorite song of the night?

The first one.

You’re catching on. The tour’s been going great. We’ve been out for two months. We’ve been smacking the shit out of the U.S. and Canada. Canada’s always the easiest to smack the shit out of. Then they try to pay us in northern pesos. I don’t know what the fuck they’ve got up there. Devildriver was direct support for two months and they just dropped off four nights ago and they went to Europe. They took our tour manager with them.

Those bastards.

He’s their tour manager as well. Doing double duty so he can get paid by more bands.

He’s got a good thing going there. I want that job. When are you guys going to Europe?

When? We were there last spring. Earlier this year in the spring. Hopefully if all goes well, we’ll be back in Canada. Let me start over. I don’t have any idea. We’re going into the studio in the end of January, February, and March. Then it’s three months, April, May, and June, to put a product out. That’s what our label tells us. Fucking lying label which I don’t even know who it is at this point. So at the end of June we get on that Sounds Of The Underground tour again. Then we’ll probably be releasing the recordings of that and that’ll probably be the next thing we do. Some kind of summer festival tour. Sounds Of The Underground. Perhaps Ozzfest. Monsters Of Rock. What is it? The Old Fag Metal tour? One of those tours and of course we’ll be one of the highlights with the new record and then hopefully we’ll be able to make millions of dollars and should be able to quit. Sit back on our laurels, take pills, and get fatter than we already are. I’m working on it.

Speaking of Sounds Of The Underground, you guys were fucking classic when you were here in Dallas. You guys were performing and all of a sudden the weather just went to hell. Lightning, thunder, rain. How the fuck did you guys do that?

Let me tell you something. That was actually about the sixth show in a row in outside venues on that tour that the fucking sky opened up while we were on stage. I swear to you. Everybody on the tour was like “dude, what the fuck are you guys doing? Something is up with you guys. What’s this witchcraft? This GWAR craft? What the fuck is going on?” We’d go on at 5 o’clock or 5:15 every day, we’d get into our third song and by the time of the third song, boom. It would fucking roll in. Tulsa, Atlanta, freaking Orlando, New Orleans, here. It just opened up, man. Awesome.

That was fucking classic.

We’re wet. We don’t care. We’re wireless. Technology, shit. Actually in Dallas, I had a cord so I was kind of nervous. There was big, big lightning coming in that night and I remember them talking about canceling. They actually did cancel the show at one time. Then they decided to bring it back and let some other bands play.

I think Poison The Well didn’t get to play that night.

Actually the guitar player of Poison The Well made a gesture to me. He said harsh words and my shoes fell off as he was driving by on his way out. He said something about thanks for ruining our night or something. I don’t remember. He was one of the really pretty guys with the hair and tattoos all up his neck. Really bright and shiny tattoos. Not like my tribal black tattoos.

I was going to ask you about that. What got you into getting tattoos?

It’s something to do. We thought it was cool. Actually, these tattoos are millions of years old. I’ve been tattooed since way before we came to this planet. We crashed in Antarctica and of course when we thawed, we came out and we started fucking monkeys and created the human race. We learned how to talk English by watching MTV. You know the story. Actually we had tattoos and everybody saw them in the rock community. The rock community came unglued. They were like “what is this? What is this?” when they’d get close. The ones that survived got them and now everyone has them. Like this one passing us.

With the pizzas.

Yeah! That’s how we get paid. Pizzas, rupees, rubles, quadloons, the Antarctican gymrak, and of course as I said before, pieces of clay, rubber bands, and G.I. Joe action/adventure sets.

Aren’t pizzas kind of hard on your digestion systems being from another planet?

Pizza? We could eat glass. Anything. To us eating pizza is like you eating a cream puff or I don’t know. An air biscuit. Chocolate that has air in it. They have it in Canada. Can’t get it here. It’s some Canadian thing.

How do you decide who you’re going to kill on stage each night? Is it the same people every night?

Unfortunately what we do when we sit around the Antarctica stronghold, we think of things to do and think of ways we can abhor the people and appall the world. We come up with these things and then we go out and we have these ninja assault teams that we hire by beating them senseless. We send them out to do our bidding and they come back with Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney arrives at the stronghold. We slap him around and put him in a cage. Sharon Osbourne. We fly in with bat shaped helicopters. Suck them up. People that think they’re abducted by aliens? They are abducted by aliens. They are abducted by GWAR. We’ve abducted everyone. They show 40,000 or 1,100 or what’s it called? 4,200 or 4,400. Are you with me? It’s some TV show. People get abducted and they come back. They tell their story and then they go back again. We did it all. We’ve done it all. We made the show.

At least we now know where Dick Cheney is. He is with GWAR.

Oh, the victims. So we have all these victims. We kill them, we reanimate them every night after the show. Resurrect them if you will. Stick them back in a box and put them back in the truck. They live in a truck overnight. We throw them little crumbs and puree them in a little pus and whatnot so they can just survive. We break them out again at night, dress them all up nice, and spit shine them. Slaves kick them out onto the stage and we have our way with them again. Dead, reanimated, reworked, reanimated just like Jeffrey Coons. One of my favorites.

Any other thoughts or comments?

I hate you all.