We are? No one told me that.
I think so, yeah. No one told you that?
They never tell me anything.
Poor guy. Well guess what? You're on the Sounds Of The Underground tour.
I'm so happy. I can't express my happiness. I'm so happy.
I'm Oderus Urungus. I am the master of Earth. Renegade scum dog. Penis pirate. Necrobeastial butt sex master.
How did you get so talented in all that?
Years of training and overeating and drinking. Being a pervert and a pedophile. Having the plague. Inventing AIDS. Having sex with dinosaurs.
Having sex with dinosaurs.
Yes, that's how we created the human race.
Explain that a little further.
Well, actually it wasn't dinosaurs. It was more like apes. There was no human on the planet when we were marooned here. We were forced to have sex with whatever holes we could find. We made it with apes especially because we like their hairy asses. That's how the human race was created. Isn't that amazing?
That is amazing. I think you fucked up a little bit.
I know. That was actually the biggest mistake GWAR ever made because after the Master found that we fucked the apes and created the human race, we were frozen in Antarctica for many millions of years. Now we have re-awoken and we are here to reap our bloody vengeance. The Sounds Of The Underground tour that you say that I'm on, I guess I'll believe you, that sounds like a good place to do it.
I guess you guys don't know how you got hooked up with that.
Of course we do. We held a sword to some booking agent's throat and said "unless you put us on the tour, we'll cut his fucking head off."
What did he say?
He kind of gurgled a little bit and he wrote okay, okay on a sticky pad.
In his own blood and feces?
No, no, bile and urine.
I saw you guys in town not too long ago when you played Dallas.
And you survived?
I survived. I think it was because it was my first show and that's why I was allowed to live.
Well, we'll try to remedy that mistake next time.
Okay. You guys have a new CD out called Live From Mt. Fuji.
You sure do.
Well, I didn't know about the Sounds Of The Underground tour either so this album really doesn't come as a big surprise to me. Tell me, is it any good?
Actually it is.
Oh, it's the live album that we recorded in the future.
Yes, we went forward in time, recorded the album, and then went backwards in time to release it. It's kind of an interesting concept. We knew the show was going to be so great that we couldn't wait for it to happen. We had to travel through time in order to get there. Then we had to travel through time again to bring it to you. That's the kind of dedication this band has. Frankly, I'm about to have a bowel movement. Very liquidy. If I ever can't make it as a rock and roll performer, I probably could hire out my ass to paint houses with.
That would definitely be a new concept. The Ass Painters Of America or something.
Yeah, we only paint it brown. One color.
What have you guys have you been doing in between the last time you annihilated Dallas and today?
Well, playing everywhere else. We just went and played all over Europe and now we're getting ready for this tour that you say that I'm going on. Besides that, there's been a lot of laying about. Flatulating our semiturgeous love members. Thereís been a lot of anal reprobation. Thereís been a lot of making jello molds of our testicles. Thereís been all kinds of things. Weíve been combing dingleberries out of our scabby scrotal sacs with the little combs they give you in the anti head lice infection.
You guys have been pretty damn busy then.
Been damn busy. The dingleberry harvest this year is off the hook really. To try to put it in your modern day vernacular. There are so many dingleberries, itís just...
How did you guys go about deciding to become rock stars?
Well, we were sick of being meter maids. We were meter maids in another life. I donít know. It just kind of happened. It was a collision of GWAR, Sleazy P. Martini, crack cocaine, and rock and roll music. Did I mention crack?
Yes, you did mention crack.
Throw some more of that in. Then you got GWAR. It just kind of happened that way. I donít really know where I go or what I do. In fact, somebody just explained to me the other day that I actually move around. See, up until the other day, I thought that I never moved. I just thought about stuff and everything else moved around me. Now apparently Iím actually moving myself and I didnít really understand that. That opens up a lot of possibilities in my life.
Yeah, it sure does. You might acquire some new talents because you do that.
Like maybe being able to walk across the street.
Yeah. So how many people do you guys take around?
No people are allowed. The first question on the application sheet says what are you and if you say a person and if we say is that anything like a people and youíre like yeah, same thing then weíre like youíre fired.
How many critters do you take around with you?
Critters. Oh god, thousands of critters but the larger organisms, we probably have about 14 to 800 on any given night. Probably more on the 14 side but up to 8,000 depending on how high I am.
Thatís quite a large entourage and you manage to get all of them on stage with you.
Not all at once. We do have shrink rays of course. If people are too big, we shrink them a little. Kind of like Photo Shop except itís in three dimensions in reality. Kind of like Star Trek except itís not the new one that sucks. Kind of like Star Wars except it sucks.
Oh, youíve already seen that one.
No, I donít need to see it. I donít want to see it. I hate it.
You hate it in advance.
I hated it in advance. Phantom Menace was so bad that I decided I would not go to see Clones in the theater. I waited for it to be on TV. I watched whatís on TV. It was horrible and this one, I never will watch it ever.
I donít blame you.
Donít even get me going on that. So what else is going on?
I was wondering how you critters feel about being on the Sounds Of The Underground tour.
Well, actually I pretended like I didnít know about it. I pretended like I didnít care about it. Actually Iím tickled pink and weĎre tickled pink. Itís a great tour. The bands on it are great. They think that theyíre going to try to deal with GWAR by putting us in the halftime show slot but weíre going to completely dominate the proceedings. Itís going to be the most insane show that these people have ever seen in their lives. GWAR fans old and new will be just totally blown away by one of the greatest bands in fucking rock and roll history. Certainly one of the sickest most amazing stage shows ever presented anywhere in the fucking universe. I donít know. Weíre super stoked. Actually after many years of being on this planet, thatís probably the biggest thing weíve ever done. A lot of these other bands have been out on a million festival tours but they would never let GWAR on the festival tours because of the simple reason that weíre going to kill everything we can get our hands on. They decided to try to let us go on ahead and do that and they put us on the festival tour and itís going to be fucking huge. Who knows where weíre headed from here.
Is it going to be a bigger stage show?
We donít just have a shrink ray. We have a grow ray. Put the grow ray on the old show and make it bigger.
Does that mean youíll be urinating on people and stuff?
Weíll be urinating on people. Oh yeah, that was the stipulation in the contract. It was the first thing. We didnít ask to know how much money we were gong to get paid or where do we park the bat shaped helicopter. No, it was do I get to urinate on people. They said they were not real sure. Iím like weíve got to have a meeting. I flew straight to Meeting City, thatís where they have their house, and we had a meeting. I said suck my cock. No, wait just urine. There was piss all over the office and they said thatís great Oderus. They loved it. They asked if they could video it. They were videoing it. All the people from all the other offices came over. I was just pissing on them. They were drinking my piss. Thatís when I knew that this was a done deal. I love working with you guys. I let loose this big heady ciderlike fermented just golden stream of yak pee.
They were impressed.
Yeah, they said we have to do that every night. ďOderus, if you donít do that every night, you canít be on the tour.Ē I told them ďyou donít tell me what to do fucker.Ē But I kept peeing.
You will be greeting us with that every night.
I donít know if weíre going to be greeting. Actually, I like to wait until the show is actually going on before I decide whether Iím going to urinate on you or not. If the crowd is good enough, Iíll go ďall right, Iíll give them a little reward.Ē Like 5,000 gallons of fucking bubonic piss that burns the skin off your face but you go home and kind of rub yourself even more.
That covers everything. Any other thoughts or comments?
That covers everything. I was just thinking on that last answer, we talked about everything that could be talked about ever. Very good job. I congratulate you on your journalistic skills. Your questions were concise, you laughed when you were supposed to, and most importantly you made me feel better about myself.